Fear

I started school yesterday. It's been 3 years since I've been in college. I'm nervous but excited at the same time. I currently have three classes I'm attending. Astronomy, Psychology, and Interpersonal Communication. All three seem to catch my interest so far, so this semester should be interesting. I know I'll do alright. Just have to keep up on my homework and not get too overwhelmed.

I think I've pin-pointed the reason for my sadness. My faith in Justin and my relationship has basically disappeared. I still care about him as I believe I always will, but something is different. I don't feel as close to him anymore. I don't get excited when I see him. I wish that it was the same as when we first were together. I really do. But I can't force myself to do something it doesn't want to do. I'd be miserable and it would be unfair to him. He is a good guy. Made mistakes, but so have I. Maybe not to the extent of which he did, but mistakes are part of being human.

After telling him of my feelings. That I just feel empty. I don't think he knew how to respond. But now things are just going on like i never said anything. Almost like how I feel isn't important. I told him how I was feeling and we just go on like it's nothing, when it's a huge deal. How can two people be in a stable relationship when one of them doesn't feel the same as the other?

I want to feel alive again. I don't feel like it much anymore. My heat doesn't beat faster. My life seems almost boring. I know I need to get out. I know I need to meet more people. Make more friends. But I find myself scared i guess. Scared to go out into a world that I already know can be cruel.

To leave Justin will take everything out of me. i left him once and it hurt us both beyond imaginable. To do it again... I don't know how either of us will fair. I'm sure after time we'll be okay. But I just hate hurting people. More than anything in the world, I hate hurting people.

New Year, 2010

The new year has begun and I have decided that there are
things I need to change to help me enjoy my life more. So I
have decided to start writing again to help me sort out my
thoughts and feelings. So to begin with I'd like to post
some of my New Year's Resolutions.

*Do not eat as much fast food.
*Get back in touch with friends I have lost contact with.
*Fix some crashed bridges with friends.
*Bring Jinx on a walk more often.
*Handle Sanchez more often.
*Get a place of my own.
*Try to live my life as I see fit, not as everyone else sees
fit.
*Hang out with friends more.
*Do well in school.
*Get a new job.

That is all for now. I think that will give me enough to pay
attention to.